When your parents come to visit you in a foreign country you want to show them what your new hometown is all about. Take them to the touristy areas, have them eat traditional food, and get them drunk off traditional drinks. However it’s important to leave room for the unexpected, which in Kooch’s case ended up being the first 24 hours of his parents visit. Kooch’s parents are the epitome of an adorable and loving Russian couple, and I fell in love with them the second they walked through the door. After traveling 13 hours to see their only child, Kooch wanted to make sure their time spent in Santiago was well worth it, and Dustin and I wanted to come along for the ride. Saturday afternoon we took them to Mercado Central, a fish market lined with small restaurants selling traditional Chilean seafood dishes. It smells like, you guessed it, fish. Kooch’s dad scurried away immediately with a green face, but we convinced him the aroma was worth it and he was going to have to trust us. The restaurants are in mad competition to get the most daily customers, and therefore aggressively shout at you as you walk by saying things like “just look at the name of our restaurant, we are clearly the best”, or “look we have a table available right here!” After a while the shouting gets so frustrating that you just end up succumbing to the first waiter who gives you the two-seconds-away-from-spitting-in-your-face look. We picked one with an upper level, and settled into a table just big enough for the 5 of us. I think Kooch’s parents would rather eat my left pinky toe than shellfish, but they love their son more than anything, so therefore sat at the table with a big smile. Though we were hot and sweaty, we were actually having a wonderful time, as we watched Kooch and Dustin slowly take down a dish filled with oddly colored and shaped chewy pieces of seafood. That was until we were approached by a coked out drunken Chilean woman, who I will hereafter refer to as Guadalupe. This middle aged woman was eating lunch two tables down from us when she got up and stumbled her drunk-ass over to give us some advice. Guadalupe was having trouble getting even one sentence out, but said something along the lines of “don’t drink your drinks, they will make your stomach sick.” We stared at her waiting to see if she would ever make any sense, and when she didn’t, I got bored. I told her she was being rude and asked, with a smile on my face, if she would please leave. Bewildered and looking as if she would vomit at any moment, she didn’t budge. I got our waiters attention and he guided her back to her table. However that wasn’t the last of Guadalupe. Moments later, in what seemed like slow motion, she charged towards our table with an empty wine glass. We all watched in fear as Guadalupe winded up and threw the wine glass at the wall between me and Dustin, shouting “NO TOMAS!” (don’t drink). The shattering sound of the glass made everyone in the restaurant pause mid sentence, and stare at the crazy woman with the shaking hands. As our waiter threw her out of the restaurant, Kooch’s mom and I couldn’t help but start laughing uncontrollable. Dustin asked our waiter if the woman who had just made a fool out of herself did so just because she was drunk. He responded by shrugging his shoulders and saying “yes, but its normal.” Looks like Guadalupe is a frequent disturber of Saturday lunches at the fish market. You would think the violence would end there, but au contraire my friends it did not. In celebration of having such a wonderful afternoon, we moved the party to La Piojera for some terremotos. La Piojera is the biggest shit dump hole-in-the-wall bar we know, which is why I love it, but taking someone’s innocent parents there at 4 o clock in the afternoon is more than a gamble. Charlie the Clown was entertaining Kooch’s lightweight mother, who was only a quarter into her terremoto and already crossing over the line of tipsy, right before yet another rupture of violence occured. A fight broke out inside and it took almost the entire staff, armed with wicker chairs, to get the guy out. Instead of trying to convince the padres that we honestly do live in a pretty safe city, I explained that these situations are actually positive things. Having a story to tell, no matter what the circumstance was, is always better than having nothing to say at all.
I google imaged this photo not gonna lie, but this woman could easily be Guadalupe in about 10 years